


Ben Hanscom is Captain 'Merica

by WeAreNeverGoingOutOfStile



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: A true Soft Boi™, And Bev's, And Eddie's, And Stank's, And it was gorgeous, Ben is an angel, Bev is a queen and you all know it, But he's our little shit, Captain America has multiple cameos because he's my bb, F/M, Gc Fic, I PUT STANK, I'm also not gonna change that, I'm laughing, I'm literally talking through the tags I apologize for my, It's too damn iconic because I've seen that in a fic before, Just like Will Byers, M/M, Maybe Bill too I don't remember, Mike's got a bit of a mouth on him too, Not Ben he's still a baby angel, Rated m for Rich's mouth, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Wow I love Stank™, credit to whoever came up with that because ya know, everything, thank you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 10:28:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15094817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeAreNeverGoingOutOfStile/pseuds/WeAreNeverGoingOutOfStile
Summary: Eddwardo: Don't call me eds you fuckerYes, a really good book: Eddie! Language!Eddwardo: Okay captain america420 whatcha smokin': I understood that referenceRichardo: Hello my name is Richie and Eds and Bev are my spousesRichardo:  And so is Steve





	1. Daddy Kerm

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you guys like this. I wanna see what people think before I start putting out more chapters so comments and kudos would be very helpful and appreciated ❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to give you all a lil look at what it would look like if you all actually want this to be a thing

Thursday

8:37 p.m

Richie Tozier added Eddie Kaspbrak, Bill Denbrough, Stanley Uris, Beverly Marsh, Mike Hanlon, Ben Hanscom to Daddy Kermit™

 

Richie Tozier changed his name to Richardo

Richie Tozier changed Eddie Kaspbrak's name to Eddwardo

Richie Tozier changed Bill Denbrough's name to Billder the Bob

Richie Tozier changed Stanley Uris's name to Stanfeld

Richie Tozier changed Beverly Marsh's name to 420 whatcha smokin'

Richie Tozier changed Mike Hanlon's name to Farmers Only Dot Com

Richie Tozier changed Ben Hanscom's name to Yes, a really good book

 

Daddy Kermit™  
Richardo: Kermit is daddy

Eddwardo: What the fuck is this and why the fuck are you like this

Stanfeld: I want death. 

Richardo: Wow Eds I am truly wounded. I am hurt

Yes, a really good book: Why is that my name? 

Richardo: You'll know when you're older. 

Billder the Bob: I know that our names are vines but like 'Billder the Bob'

Billder the Bob: What is that

Richardo: Ohhhh ya know 

Farmers Only Dot Com: No you don't Stan

Eddwardo: Don't call me eds you fucker

Yes, a really good book: Eddie! Language! 

Eddwardo: Okay captain america

420 whatcha smokin': I understood that reference 

Richardo: Hello my name is Richie and Eds and Bev are my spouses 

Richardo: And so is Steve

Billder the Bob: You still haven't told us what this whole thing is

Yes, a really good book: And what my name means

Richardo: Y'all just need to just accept this 

Eddwardo: y'all

Billder the Bob: Y'all

420 whatcha smokin': Y'all

Farmers Only Dot Com: Y'all

Yes, a really good book: Y'all

Stanfeld: Y'all. 

Richardo: You guys are bullies smh

Stanfeld: Don't you mean y'all? 

Richardo: Leaveth me be Staniel

420 whatcha smokin': Are we all just going to ignore the fact that Richie called Kermit daddy

Farmers Only Dot Com: Yeah why don't we talk about that

Richardo: I don't recall ever doing that 

Eddwardo: *screenshotofrichiesayingkermitisdaddy*

Richardo: Maybe it's like a mandela effect and you all remember me saying that when clearly I did not

Billder the Bob: Richard it's right in front of you Eddie's got receipts

Richardo: Well I don't know what you're talking about because I see nothing of the sort 

Edwardo: fucking hell richard 

Richardo: I have an excuse 

Richardo: You all have like 20/20 vision and I have 4/20 vision sooo

420 whatcha smokin': I don't know if I should be proud of you for that pun

Stanfeld: Don't be proud, he doesn't deserve it. 

Yes, a really good book: Hey! I actually understood that pun! 

Farmers Only Dot Com: I want Ben removed from this gc he's too pure for it

Yes, a really good book: No don't remove me please! It was only one! 

Billder the Bob: I agree he's too pure

Stanfeld: How about instead of removing him, we add him to a group chat without Richard. 

Eddwardo: I stan one (1) man and that is stan

Stanfeld: I'm 16 so technically I'm not a man, Eddie. 

Eddwardo: Don't ruin this stan

Yes, a really good book: Please don't do that I love Richie

Richardo: BEN YOU SOFT LIL NUGGET I LOVE YOU TOO

Farmers Only Dot Com: Guys I'm gonna get to bed so I won't pass out tomorrow, good night 

Richardo: Mike it's literally only like 9:00 why the fuck are you going to bed

420 whatcha smokin': Because unlike you Richard some of us like to get a decent amount of sleep before school the next day

Eddwardo: yeah im going to bed too good night guys

Billder the Bob: Me too, good night

Stanfeld: Good night. 

420 whatcha smokin': Good night bois

Yes, a really good book: Good night. I love you guys! 

Richardo: Wow you all disappoint me

Yes, a really good book: All of us?

Richardo: Except you Ben, you're an angel and I love you. 

Yes, a really good book: :)) 

Stanfeld: I love you too, Ben. 

Farmers Only Dot Com: I love you Ben! 

420 whatcha smokin': I love you too Benny! 

Billder the Bob: Love you Ben! 

Eddwardo: i love you too ben

Richardo: Wow there's a lot of lovin in this chili's tonight


	2. Richie muthafuckin Tozier: The Detective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richardo: THEN WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DEFENSIVE DENBROUGH HMMMMM AND MIKE???? ARE YOU GETTIN SOME TOO????!? 
> 
> Farmers Only Dot Com: LOL NOPE IM JUST LIKE BILL NOTHING GOING ON THERE
> 
> Billder the Bob: HAHAHA GOTTA ZAYN
> 
>         Billder the Bob has left the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys are enjoying this, I'm trying to at least make it funny but I don't know if I'm succeeding???? Help????

Friday

11:44 a.m

420 whatcha smokin': GUYS IM FUCKING LAUGHING 

Billder the Bob: YES? 

Yes, a really good book: BEV LANGUAGE 

Richardo: ARE YOU GONNA TELL THEM WHAT I TJINK YOU'RE GONNA TELL THEM??????? 

Eddwardo: YESYESYES FUCK

Yes, a really good book: SHOULD I JUST GIBE UP ON THE WHOLE LANGUAGE THING? 

Richardo: YES 

Eddwardo: YES

Billder the Bob: YEAH PROBABLY 

Stanfeld: Yes. 

420 whatcha smokin': YES. SO ANYWAY I WAS ON MY WAY TO SPANISH EARLIER AND I SAW GRETA GIVING RICHIE AND EDDIE SHIT SO I JUST WALKED UP THERE AND 

Richardo: YESSSS BEV SPILL THAT PIPING HOT TEA

Eddwardo: IM ALREADY LAUGHING SO HARD

420 whatcha smokin': I JUST PUSHED THAT HOE DOWN AND SAID "THIS BITCH EMPTY OF A HEART YEET," AND SHE JUST FUCKING SLID AWAY ON HER ASS

Eddwardo: ITS STILL SO FUCKING FUNNY IM DYING 

Richardo: I THINK EVERYONE IN THE HALL DIED LAUGHING 

Billder the Bob: BEV DKSKSOWJSKWIK I HEARD ABOUT THAT BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS YOU 

Stanfeld: You all may be surprised but I'm actually laughing at this. 

Farmers Only Dot Com: BEV OMFKSJEOEE  
Farmers Only Dot Com: ALSO I CAN CONFIRM THAT STAN IS LAUGHING BECAUSE I'M LOOKING AT HIM I GOT THEM RECEIPTS HOES 

Farmers Only Dot Com: *pictureofstanlaughing*

Billder the Bob: AWW LOOK AT HIS DIMPLES HE'S SO CUTE

Billder the Bob: I MEANNN WOW IM JUST A DUDE ADMIRING HIS DUDE FRIEND'S SMILE

Richardo: HOLY WOW IS BILL GETTIN IT FROM STANNY BOY??? 

Stanfeld: No one is 'getting it' from me, and I'm not cute. 

Farmers Only Dot Com: YES YOU ARE STAN

Billder the Bob: UMMM NO RICHIE WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT hAHAHAHA NO NOTHINGS GOING ON IN THAT DEPARTMENT 

Richardo: THEN WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DEFENSIVE DENBROUGH HMMMMM AND MIKE???? ARE YOU GETTIN SOME TOO????!? 

Farmers Only Dot Com: LOL NOPE IM JUST LIKE BILL NOTHING GOING ON THERE

Billder the Bob: HAHAHA GOTTA ZAYN

        Billder the Bob has left the chat

Stanfeld: Secrecy. Secrecy is all I ask for. 

Richardo: WAIT SJEKEODK WHAT

Stanfeld: Fuck. 

        Stanfeld has left the chat

Eddwardo: IM LAUGHING NSJSJSKSKW

420 whatcha smokin': OH FUCK RICHIE IS A WHOLE ASS DETECTIVE 

Farmers Only Dot Com: HOW CAN HE BE A DETECTIVE IF HE'S DETECTED NOTHING???? 

420 whatcha smokin': FACE IT MICHAEL WE KNOW YOUR SECRET 

Farmers Only Dot Com: DAMMIT BILL

        Farmers Only Dot Com has left the chat

Richardo: OH MY GOJSKSIDIHD


	3. Richie is a Good™ friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie Tozier: WoOw it's so tragic that I'm the only true friend the Threesome™ has
> 
> Eddie Kaspbrak: oh richie you never fail to make me want to break up with you a little more each day
> 
> Richie Tozier: You love me you undergrown bush
> 
> Ben Hanscom: UNDERGROWN BUSH
> 
> Eddie Kaspbrak: fuck you you overgrown tree
> 
> Beverly Marsh: Relationship goals right here folks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all like this chapter because I'M ACTUALLY TRYING WITH THIS ❤️ (also I'm trying to be one of those authors that updates pretty quickly so hopefully I'm doing okay)

12:04 p.m 

 

        Richie Tozier created a new chat. 

Richie Tozier changed the chat name to Operation Bill and Mike aReNt getting it from Stankles 

Richie Tozier added Eddie Kaspbrak, Beverly Marsh, Ben Hanscom to Operation Bill and Mike aReNt getting it from Stankles

12:06 p.m

Richie Tozier: WE MUST DISCUSS 

Beverly Marsh: Wow full names this must be serious 

Richie Tozier: IT'S VERY SERIOUS AND WE MUST ALL DISCUSS 

Eddie Kaspbrak: they seemed like they didn't really want us to know tho

Ben Hanscom: Yeah, I mean we're their best friends, wouldn't they tell us if they actually wanted us to know? 

Richie Tozier: That could be completely true or false

Eddie Kaspbrak: im pretty sure its true rich

Beverly Marsh: Me too

Richie Tozier: It is our duty as their #bffs to talk about their personal lives behind their backs

Eddie Kaspbrak: pretty sure its not but go off

Ben Hanscom: They'll probably tell us when they're ready, Richie. 

Beverly Marsh: Yea I agree with them Rich

Richie Tozier: WoOw it's so tragic that I'm the only true friend the Threesome™ has

Eddie Kaspbrak: oh richie you never fail to make me want to break up with you a little more each day

Richie Tozier: You love me you undergrown bush

Ben Hanscom: UNDERGROWN BUSH

Eddie Kaspbrak: fuck you you overgrown tree

Beverly Marsh: Relationship goals right here folks

Ben Hanscom: Are we relationship goals? 

Beverly Marsh: 100% of the time Benny

Ben Hanscom: <3 Wow I love my girlfriend Bev. 

Beverly Marsh: <3 Wow I love my boyfriend Ben

Richie Tozier: I'm not crying I've just got some benverly in my eye

Eddie Kaspbrak: me too

Richie Tozier: ANYWAY

Richie Tozier: THE THREESOME 

Richie Tozier: LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT 

Eddie Kaspbrak: no plus we're in class and i dont want my phone taken away 

        Eddie Kaspbrak left the chat

Beverly Marsh: No and same

        Beverly Marsh left the chat

Ben Hanscom: I wouldn't feel right talking about it without them knowing, Richie. 

Ben Hanscom: I'm sorry. 

Richie Tozier: It's okay Ben you're an angel and we love you

Ben Hanscom: :)))))))))) 

______________________________  
12:26 p.m 

Richie Tozier --> Stan Uris

Dumbass: TALK HOE

Those curlies get the gurlies: No. 

Dumbass: PLEASE BBY

Those curlies get the gurlies: No. Leave me alone, I'm in class. 

Dumbass: COME ON STANNY I NEED SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT I'M RUNNING ON EMPTY 

Those curlies get the gurlies. No, and unfortunately you could never run out of things to talk about. 

Dumbass: Wow Stanlee just shoot me in the heart why don't ya

Those curlies get the gurlies: ❤️ 


	4. Richie Rich the best bf of the ages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO FOR SOME REASON AO3 IS BEING A DICK AND ISN'T LETTING ME EDIT CHAPTER 3. LIKE I HAD MORE WRITTEN FOR IT AND IT'S JUST NOT DOING IT SOOOO THIS IS BASICALLY THE OTHER PART OF CHAPTER 3 BECAUSE I WILL WIN THIS BATTLE. ❤️

Friday   
3:12 p.m

Daddy Kermit™ 

        Richardo added Stanfeld back to the chat

Richardo: UNBLOCK ME YOU HOE

Stanfeld: No. 

        Stanfeld left the chat 

Eddwardo: STAN BLOCKED YOU IM LAUGHING

        Richardo added Stanfeld back to the chat

420 whatcha smokin': DID HE FUCKING MESSAGE YOU ABOUT THE THREESOME? 

Stanfeld: The what? 

Eddwardo: you mike and bill

Stanfeld: It's not a threesome. 

Richardo: THEN WHAT IS IT??? A RELATIONSHIP?? 

Stanfeld: Sigh. 

        Stanfeld has left the chat 

Richardo: BIG SIGH

______________________________  
Saturday

9:07 a.m

Richie Tozier --> Bill Denbrough 

Richelle: PLEASE TALK ABOUT THE THREE OF YOU

Billicia: WHAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT 

Richelle: BILLLLLL PLEASE I'M DYING 

Billicia: STAN AND MIKE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW YET EVEN THO EVERYONE KINDA KNOWS

Richelle: I WON'T TELL ANYONE YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST ME

Billicia: I KNOWWWW 

Billicia: SO BASICALLY MIKE AND I BOTH REALIZED WE REALLY LIKED STAN AND THEN WE BOTH TRIED GETTING HIS ATTENTION FOR WEEKS AS YOU All PROBABLY SAW

Billicia: SO EVENTUALLY HE TOLD US WE NEED TO TALK SO WE SAT DOWN AND TALKED 

Billicia: AND THEN HE TOLD MIKE AND I THAT HE LIKED BOTH OF US

Billicia: SO NOW WE'RE HERE WITJ ME SPILLING EVERYTHING I SAID I WOULD KEEP A SECRET UNTIL THEY WERE READY

Richelle: I PROMISE I WON'T TELL ANYONE BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I ACCEPT IT AND ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THAT YOU, STAN, AND MIKE ARE HAPPY

Billicia: WE ARE AND THANK YOU RICH I LOVE YOU BBY 

Richelle: I LOVE YOU TOO BILLY

______________________________  
1:26 p.m

Eddie Kaspbrak --> Richie Tozier 

My Baby Boy<3: hey rich can you please come over? 

my annoying bf<3: What's wrong baby? 

My Baby Boy<3: my mom

my annoying bf<3: On my way

My Baby Boy<3: thank you i love you 

my annoying bf<3: No need to thank me Eds. I love you too 

My Baby Boy<3: have you found anything out about the stan mike and bill thing

my annoying bf<3: Nope those hoes are keeping quiet about it bUT I DESERVE TO KNOW

My Baby Boy<3: sigh

my annoying bf<3: I'm almost there baby make sure your window is unlocked 

My Baby Boy<3: it is 

my annoying bf<3: ❤️

My Baby Boy<3: ❤️

my annoying bf<3: I'm coming up now Eds 

My Baby Boy<3: ily

my annoying bf<3: ily22222222222


	5. We three kings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like ao3 was mean and wouldn’t let me update but hopefully this works this time. Long story short of why I haven’t updated is because I was giving my kitten a bath and my phone got drenched in water soooooo that’s nice but I finally got a new phone!!! Thank you to those who have read this shitty story and thank you for sticking around! ❤️

Bill Denbrough ---> Richie Tozier 

3:27 pm

Billicia: stan and mike kissed me

Richelle: WAIT REALLY??

Billicia: yeah

Richelle: wait isn't that good why do you seem sad?

Billicia: because what if we get together and they like each other more or they decide they're better off without me

Richelle: Billy I’m gonna get real with you

Billicia: ok

Richelle: First of all you are an amazing person. They would be crazy if they thought they’d be better off without you. Second of all you are beautiful inside and out and I know they love you just as much as you love them, we’ve been friends with stan since we were little kids and we've been friends with mike since we were like 13 and through that time I've seen them both fall in love with you so please don't worry about that 

Billicia: you really think that rich?

Richelle: yes Billy Boy

Billicia: I love you

Richelle: I love you too Bill  
_________________________________  
Monday

10:02 am

Mike Hanlon ---> Stanley Uris, Bill Denbrough 

Mikey: Hey guys, can we please talk?

Pretty Blue Eyes: Yes but first who changed my name?

Mikey: I did.

Pretty Blue Eyes: I love you.

Pretty Blue Eyes: was that too soon? did I just ruin this?

Curly Headed Cutie: You didn't ruin anything, Bill. We love you too.

Mikey: What Stanny said.

Curly Headed Cutie: Mike, did you change my name too?

Mikey: Yes I am unashamed.

Curly Headed Cutie: What did you want to talk to us about?

Mikey: Are we all together? Like do you guys want to date me and each other?

Curly Headed Cutie: Of course I do. I love you guys, even though I may not say it often. What about you Bill?

Pretty Blue Eyes: i love you two so much and I would love to be with you guys. if you two want that

Mikey: I definitely want that, and so does Stan, and so do you.

Pretty Blue Eyes: so does that mean we're together now?

Curly Headed Cutie: Yes.

Mikey: Yes Bill.

Pretty Blue Eyes: does that mean I can say I love you now?

Mikey: I hoped you would.

Curly Headed Cutie: Yes please.

Pretty Blue Eyes: I love you guys.

Mikey: I love you too Billy. You too Stanny.

Curly Headed Cutie: I love you two, too.

_____________________________________

11:13 am

Beverly Marsh ---> Richie Tozier 

Baby Girl: Dude I just realized something 

Baby Boy: And what is that?

Baby Girl: I pushed Greta on the last day of school

Baby Girl: I showed that bitch who's boss

Baby Boy: I love you for that bevvy I'm so proud I have shed a tear

Baby Girl: I am so badass my fury is as red as my hair

Baby Girl: I will be your bodyguard 

Baby Boy: That's completely okay with me. You're the leader of the losers club now

Baby Boy: Bill whomst? I only know Bev

Baby Girl: You're all my bitches

Baby Girl: Except Ben he's my equal


End file.
